How the story ends

I really don't want to write this post because I really hate what I have to write. As you all already know, we lost Baby Jane last week. She was 9 weeks + 1 day in the making, and as most of you suspected, she was actually a HE!

It's not that we are necessarily surprised. After all, we knew the risk of miscarriage was high. It's just that we had turned a corner in week 8, and we were so hopeful. It just came at a time when we weren't expecting it. Silly me, I told a lot of people after Baby Jane caught up in size. You never tell before the 12th week, everybody knows that! I just couldn't contain myself.

We had a D&C on Thursday and it was mostly uneventful, although the nurse told me I had trouble falling asleep and they had to sedate me more heavily than they originally planned. The doctors and nurses were so patient with me and kind. My doctor has exceptionally good bedside manner. He looked so hurt for us when he told us what was happening. Bless him.

They sent Baby Jane away for chromosomal testing to determine what went wrong. We got the results yesterday that Baby Jane was a normal, healthy boy. There was nothing wrong with him. He was perfect. He was 1 inch long and he had little hands and little feet and little ears.

Which means, it was me. My body did something wrong. I don't believe I did anything intentionally to hurt the baby, but no matter how you spin it, you can't argue with the fact that it was my fault we lost the baby. (I can hear the lectures cranking up already!)

The doctor wants to test me for clotting and auto immune disorders. Maybe a blood clot developed in the placenta and cut off his blood supply. Maybe my body attacked him like a virus.

For me, this is the worst possible result. I don't think I can ever trust myself to try again.

I did some research, and the treatment for clotting disorders is to take baby aspirin during the pregnancy, which I did. And if my body is just going to attack the baby, of course I am never going to risk it again. And what if it's neither of these things? Then it's unexplained, and I would never risk hurting another baby.

For Kelly, we got the best result possible. To him it means we are able create a perfectly healthy baby together. And he believes we can find a way to create a nurturing home for a healthy baby to grow in. I admire his strength and faith.

I am currently 'detoxing'. We have to wait 6 weeks before running any further tests. I guess it's a good idea to go ahead and do the tests to see if we can get some answers. But then again, I thought it was a good idea to do the chromosomal testing on the fetus, but I was never more distraught than when they told me he was a perfectly healthy little boy.